In New York I knew a man who wrote a popular paperback book about a controversial Park Avenue doctor who prescribed copious amounts of “happy pills” to the stars. That book’s title, WHAT’S SO BAD ABOUT FEELING GOOD?, has come to mind lately because I’ve been asking myself a similar — but opposite — question, which I think is worth exploring: What could possibly be good about feeling bad?
My sweet, well-meaning Polly-Anna-ish women friends, whom I love, and who have been urging me for years and years to “just think happy thoughts, and all will be well,” will roll their eyes at this, but I happen to think that allowing ourselves to feel bad does have some positive benefits.
Fiery anger at injustice, for example, can be the catalyst that gets us off of our easy chairs and out into the streets to demonstrate for change. And anguish over the sight of little children being starved to death in Gaza could move us to act, in whatever way possible, on their behalf.
The recent “No Kings” demonstrations were heartening to see, to be sure. People throughout the U.S., it appears, are waking to the dangers the country – and the world – are facing today and are willing to express their strong feelings publicly. According to the ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union), more than five million people participated in over 2,100 “No Kings” rallies and protests across the nation on June 14. But even more people are needed to tip the scales, the pundits say. What’s holding us back?
Could fear of feeling bad be part of it, I wonder?
Some women tell me they’ve stopped reading and watching the news because it makes them feel bad. They don’t want to know how bad things are. It only upsets them, they say. They want to go on with their “normal” lives. They want to be happy. Fair enough. Or maybe, I think, they’re on mind-altering drugs, and they’re unable to feel bad. In which case, I feel bad for them.
I realize, of course, that such drugs may be transformative for people battling severe depression or other mental illnesses, but I suspect that in many cases psychotropic drugs have been over-prescribed — for less than medical reasons.
The antidepressant drug industry in the U.S. is big, big business. It earned $6.19 billion in 2024, with a projected rise to $8.67 billion by 2034. And white women are the largest users. According to a CDC (Centers for Disease Control) 2020 data brief, “Nearly one-quarter of American women aged 60 and over take antidepressants.”
Why, I wonder, do so many grown women need to be subdued in this way? Could it be that we older women would pose a threat to the prevailing order of things if we were freer to think and act and feel to the fullest?
(Me at 16, summer 1961)
My own experience with psychotropic drugs early on altered my life’s trajectory, and not in a good way. I was a skinny, shy, bookish, naïve, church-going, nineteen-year-old virgin from a broken home when a much older and very determined man appeared in my life uninvited and hotly pursued me to marry him. “I’ve waited all my life for you!” he claimed. “You are the answer to my prayers!”
I could not escape his pressure. I became nervous, shaky, and even thinner. My mother took me to our family doctor who prescribed tranquilizers for me that were clearly far too strong for my thin frame. On this drug I became an unfeeling zombie, out of touch with my heart’s early warnings: This isn’t right! Stop! Don’t do it!
Two years later, after that determined man abducted our beautiful, blond-haired, blue-eyed baby (the sole reason he wanted to marry me, I learned too late) and disappeared with her, law enforcement officials said to me, “Hey, lady, you married the guy!” as if I got what I deserved.
Yes, regretfully, I married him. And I’ve avoided mind- and heart-numbing drugs ever since. Every doctor I ever visited in the States for my “nervous stomach” during the more than ten years my daughter was missing was quick to reach for his prescription pad to press antidepressants on me, but I stubbornly refused.
I wanted to feel. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be clear-minded about what I could do to find my missing daughter at last. Ultimately, I put all those feelings into a visceral memoir, SOMEWHERE CHILD (Viking Press, 1981), which was the way I found her.
I don’t pretend to have the answers, especially for others. Instead, I only have countless unanswered questions. Perhaps the deeper issue lies in our cultural expectations. If we’ve been raised to expect a life of happiness and ease (as many of us Americans have been), we’ll likely do whatever we can to avoid the simple, undeniable realities: life on this spinning sphere called Earth is difficult and challenging for everyone, everywhere, and we’re all in this together.
And this denial, this fear of deep and true feelings, which, yes, might well be painful, will stand in the way of much-needed, positive change.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
To learn more about SOMEWHERE CHILD and its sequel, THE OTHER SIDE, please go to: https://www.bonnieleeblack.com .
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I sense the depth of your worry, Bonnie. One of my friends refers to the complacency as the “Conspiritual Theory,” in which people are convinced we’re entering a new era but need to release our attachment to ego (personal, national, material) to be able to make that leap of transformation. Part of me sees it that way, too. If we keep attaching to the negative, that is attachment to ego, which precludes the dawning of a more conscious, less materialistic, era. It’s like “The Matrix.” Do we take the red pill and see the truth of the way things really are? (Because no matter what we believe in at this moment, things are not the way we think they are.) Or do we take the blue pill and accept the world in all its material misery and call that reality? I believe it’s a choice each of us must make on our own, depending on our capacity to imagine something better or accept reality as we’ve been taught we must.
Thank you for this, Be! I realize this is a big and unwieldy topic, so there’ll be a lot of different and differing points of views from readers. But I thought it was worth raising for discussion. Something to think about…
What a wonderful piece Bonnie with many a truth written in your words. BTW are you still painting? Best regards Andy Barber
Thank you so much, Andy. Yes, I try to work on my watercolor practice every evening. 🙂
Very interesting post, Bonnie. Thanks for sharing the trauma of your daughter being abducted.
Thank you, Mikel. My experience with parental child abduction was, I’m sorry to say, one of many hundreds of thousands. It’s been my fate, for better or worse, as a writer to bring the issue to light.
Right on!!!!
Thank you, Pat. Good to hear from you. I hope you’re well.
Needed to be said! I’m glad I’m not one of your Polly Anna friends who doesn’t read the news and tells you to think happy thoughts. What about, Gaza?! I want to say. Those people are not living “normal” lives – if they manage to live another day at all.
Thanks, Helaine. It’s a subject that needed to be raised, I felt. Controversial as it is! I’m loving this conversation. 🙂
Very thoughtful post, as usual, la Bonnie! Thanks for sharing your experiences and wisdom.
I sometimes tend to put my cabeza in the sand to avoid looking at disagreeable realities. I will keep your wise words in mind.
As for tranquilizers, I stay away from them as they make me feel more pendeja than I normally am. No need for that!
Abrazos.
Thank you, querida Te! You taught me a new word today: pendeja! 🙂 You’re right — no need for that! — xx
I am with you, Bonnie. I feel like everyone I know is medicated. When Tony and I started dating 26 years ago, even he asked me “what are you on?” The dumbing down of America is what led to the mess we’re in and if we don’t “feel” more, we are headed to destruction. I’d prefer awareness, Revolution, standing up, speaking out, and change!
Just yesterday, while clearing a shelf and paring down my book collection once again, I pulled Somewhere Child down and reread your inscription – data 1990! That was the early days of a long and fruitful relationship that I continue to cherish no matter how many miles are between us. You will always be my Angel, BB, it’s what sets you apart and why you ask the questions you do! Don’t stop. You are a bright guiding light.
And I am with YOU, Michael dearest — all the way to the barricades! 🙂 I don’t recall the exact day we met — nearly 40 years ago now!!! — but I count it as one of the all-time luckiest days of my life. Thank you for your enduring friendship and steadfast love. — BB xx
Dear Bon,
I think people do not join protests for many reasons: fear of arrest or reprisal, fear of being injured, and simply to acknowledge a problem exists can lead to feeling bad. People also take antidepression drugs for many reasons, and some of these are certainly more valid than others. I took a small dose antidepressant from 2013 to 2024. After being retired a year I decided I no longer needed it and stopped last summer. Now, one year later, I know this was the right decision for me.
I think you identify the underlying problem: “We’ve been raised to expect a life of happiness and ease.” Most of us have been inculcated to believe this, and it’s a great lie. This lie may have some positive effects, but I can’t think of any. When people are unsuccessful in their pursuits or unhappy with their lives, they blame themselves because they believe this lie. They make the false conclusion that there is something wrong with themselves. In reality, success in this country is incredibly difficult to achieve and continual happiness is an impossibility. Yet the encouragement to believe the lie remains constant. In my opinion this is one more method used to keep the people downtrodden.
Thank you for this thoughtful reflection.
Love,
Paul
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience, dear Paul. And I share your opinion! This is the system we were raised to believe is “true” and “normal.” It takes so long to begin to see it differently.
I AM RIGHT WITH YOU BOBBIE! Feeling bad has prompted me to make important decisions in my life.
And having done that, I can feel good without tranquilizers!
Thank you, Ruth! Yes, I feel the same way. That’s been my experience too. But maybe the-powers-that-be in “the system” don’t want us to make important decisions for ourselves…